We had to write as Duke Theseus telling the assembled crew of Egeus, Demetrius, Lysander and Hermia exactly what he thought of their predicament.
Here are some of our efforts:
I see ye all below me in my court. Thou have interrupted my wedding plans. I am devastated with thee for this interruption. Hermia, thou art a nose picking, onion licking, metal eating, ugly troll who should listen to thy father. Respect thy father’s orders. Some people think they can marry whatever freaks they want; others actually listen to their father and marry who he picked.
Imagine a place where women could marry who thy want, a place where children didn’t listen to thine father, where thee can run away if thine want to: this is what Athens will be if I don’t stop that! Ye shall respect my rules or ye shall be crushed like a grape.
Demetrius, thou art a noble trustworthy friend but thy heart must be crushed as my spoilt daughter doesn’t want to marry thee.
Hermia- thou art a pesky worm. Hermia- lying, cheating, disobeying - which one will thee do to thy father next? Hermia - thou art a disrespectful little urchin.
Lysander- thou art an evil idiot. If I hear ye haven’t followed my rules ye are all in serious trouble.
I see ye all in front of me. Thou have stopped me from planning my wedding. Hermia you are a disgrace for Athens. Thou art a puppy eyes onion licking toad who should listen to her father. Some people would love to get married; others like thee are un-loveable.
Imagine a place where girls do what they want, where people didn’t listen to their fathers, where girls marry who they want; that doesn’t happen in the city of Athens. Hermia thee shall get married to Demetrius or thee will be hanged by the neck and ye shall watch it happening.
Demetrius thou art a cleaver and happy man. I do hope Hermia will get married to thee and I don’t want to kill someone before my wedding - it would be sad.
Hermia thou art as stupid as a big fat pig. I see thee hideous, snail eating, cabbage licking worm. Hatred, stupidity, disobedience – which one will tear thee apart? I hear ye all talking nonsense.
Imagine killing a girl or even a boy, a place where there are no rules, where you decide: that doesn’t happen in this city. Could thing get any worse?
I can see ye all waiting for me. Thou have interrupted my wedding plans. I am devastated with thee , in this disturbation. Now , Hermia , thine are a spoiled brat , who should have some respect for thee father. Do thy fathers orders. Some people would be amazed to get married ; others like thy would disobey their fathers.
Would you ever think of a place where women think they can run off and do what they want , expect that they can marry who they like , be who they want : my world cannot do that – certainly not ! Thou art a dirty rotten scoundrel women. Ye shall all obey me whether you like it or not . If thy do not obey, thee don’t live. Ye will be hammered like a nail through the wall.
People like Demetrius are right and shall marry the person I choose but if thy are like Hermia then thee shall be put to death. As far as I can see your to be wife is looking at someone else. I feel sorry , but this must hurt thee like a shattered piece of glass going through thee heart.
Hermia – Thou art a spider licking curvy spine.
Now if my rules aren’t followed .... thy will die !
Thou art a dirty damaged girl. Ye been all wasting my time like slugs on a path. Ye little urchins. Ye should have all been listening to ye fathers. Ye are all bad-tempered rats except thy father. I now see ye all sounding upset except a mouthy little weasel wench over there. Thou art mangy scabs. Thou daughter is a mouthy little brat. Demetrius I feel sorry for thou, thou listen to thou father
Thou art a slapdash little girl. Thou couldn’t care less. Just imagine a place where people could do what they want, imagine a place where girls listened to their fathers, imagine a place where people could marry who they wanted: well my city isn’t like that. Some people listen to thy fathers; others don’t like to.
Thank thee for coming to me today. Lysander you have not been chosen to marry Hermia so thou will not. Disobedience, exhaustion loneliness witch will you do to thy father next.
And Eliza's effort: